I have just spent the Labor Day holiday with my nmother. We celebrated our 1 year of being in each others lives even though it has really been almost 19 years. We have never, ever lasted this long. I know that there will be many more years together.
I will get back to writing about what happened my younger years, but I have to write this first.
I have always been an advocate on the subject that adoptees have a RIGHT to know what happened when they were born. For 40 years, I have been a strong advocate to that. I have felt that I do have a right to know the situation, all the events that led up to, and what the reasons were on the decisions. The "why this" or "why that".
But this weekend changed my mind. I DO NOT have a right to know what happened. It is NOT my right to know the situation or circumstances. If my nmother wants to tell me, then it is her choice and her choice alone. I can't force her to tell me. Granted I would love for her to tell me, but again, it is her choice.
So, if you are an adoptee reading this, let me urge you to rethink the "I have a RIGHT to know" issue. If you are like me, you would love to know the "whys" and "how comes". Then you push your nparent to tell you and insist on it, but they don't. Yes, it hurts to not know. But we still don't have a right to force our nparents to tell us.
If you are a nparent reading this, let me urge you to open up to your daughter/son. Ask them, "what do you want to know?" Write it on a piece of paper and send it to them, if you can't speak the words. Most adoptees want to know. Be willing to answer questions that only you can answer.
When I finally realized that I didn't have a right to know, I could feel the tension and stress of our relationship go away. I don't have a perfect relationship with my nmother and hope one day I can, but I know that our relationship has grown tremedously and will continue to grow.
I can now say: I WAS adopted; not I am adopted.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
WOW! There can be a lot of power in letting go. I do hope, and I believe that you will, get the answers you seek.
hmmmm, that is odd, this was never an issue for me, my mother was very open from the original conversation.
I was told more than I ever asked,much more, but I have a very different opinion than you do.
I believe in honesty, I am honest with my child, and appreciate the level of honesty that I was given.
Congrats to you on your weekend. Sounds like it was cathartic.
As for right to know, I would guess it to be (like so many things adoption) situational. I admire your respect for your mothers psyche not to push her.
It is kinda the flip side of my situation. If my daughter doesnt want to know, now or ever, I have no right (in my mind) to spew it at her.
It is rather like telling someone something you know will hurt them only to make yourself feel better.
Kudos to you.
"If my nmother wants to tell me, then it is her choice and her choice alone. I can't force her to tell me. Granted I would love for her to tell me, but again, it is her choice."
Wow, thank you for that, it is the first time as a nmother someone has said that I have a choice in anything regarding adoption. Wow, I am serious, hearing you say that felt good.
I have told my daughter the circumstance regarding her birth and adoption by the way...
Hugs,
Kristy
I might be totally wrong, but I wonder if she's scared to tell you for fear of rejection...
Someone may have warned her "keep it light," don't talk about the heavy stuff (very common advice for us to be told), or else you'd leave again.
I do wonder what type of warped counselling she has received over the last 20 yrs that is affecting her now ... :(
I would agree that there is no legal right, however I do believe there is a moral right.
And I'm with you 100% on your last sentence. I haven't considered myself adopted since the day I met my parent(s).
I wonder like Cedar above if perhaps your mom is going by a lot of what she has been told. I know myself and other nmoms are told that we shouldn't tell you they why's of what happened. That somehow by doing this it would make it worse for you.
I, myself, have told my son everything that happened during the time I lost him. To me, from listening to what other's have said about this, I felt it was important he know but I can definitely see where some nmoms might be held back by fear and also the "advice" of others suggesting they don't "place" that on their child.
I wish you great luck with your relationship. It warms my heart to hear your story.
Post a Comment